Wednesday, July 31, 2013

37 weeks

WOW-  I can't believe I am three weeks away from my delivery day, it is very surreal to think about.  Four months ago when we received the diagnosis seems like a lifetime ago but now it is here.  I am so grateful that I have been able to spend the last four months loving Elizabeth and getting to feel her (even if it has been extremely painful lately).  She has brought so many blessings already into our lives... she has given me the opportunity to reflect upon the important things in life.  I still have my wants that our materialistic but this experience has definitely made me look more at my blessings.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me with all his heart and wants to make me and his family happy. He is my best friend who I can rely on.  I am grateful for my two other children who make me laugh, smile, and sometimes even drive me crazy.  I am so grateful for my family and friends who love us so much.  The prayers and thoughts that have been said on our behalf and Elizabeth's.  We don't know what we would do without your support.  There isn't much people can do for us but we are grateful for the thoughts and love that are sent our way.

As we continue to prepare it has been difficult because it isn't the same preparation we have done in the past for our other children.  It kind of hit me the other day that we have no diapers, no formula, no nursery prepared, and no clothes that I have washed and prepared.  We instead have prepared emotionally by reading uplifting talks, listening to music, funeral planning, creating special items that we want to make sure she has.  It was hard to think of this because although everything about Trisomy 18 says that Elizabeth's survival rate is very rare, It made me feel that I haven't even let myself hope for more.  I think this is because when I think of everything she would need to overcome I cry for her and the difficult trials she would need to face.  As her mother I don't want her to suffer and so with that we have felt that preparing all these other items would be more for us and we don't want to make her suffer just so we can hold her longer.  As I write that sentence it tears at my heart because I do want to hold her, I want to change her diapers, I want to feed her, and stay up all night with her but not at her expense.  I love Elizabeth with all my heart already and so does her whole family.  We want whatever Heavenly Father has planned for her and all else we know with our faith it will fall into place.


 Pictures at 37 weeks above and 36 below

UPDATE

We went to the doctors today and Elizabeth continues to do great with the NST.  I was dilated to a 1... so we want to see if I can do more on my own in the next week before we pick an inducement date.  I weighed 131lbs 122/68 blood pressure.  I am very torn about inducement.... 1. I have never done it previously 2. I want her to be ready BUT having an inducement day will help to cut down on the anxiety of it all. Also, I can prepare family and friends more but even more myself.  I can pack the night before and put everything in that I need. (you can't really do this before hand if she comes on her own because I still need things to get ready each day). So I am hoping that next week by body is more prepared and we can just set an inducement date even though it is a bit scary, but lets be honest this whole experience is scary.  The unknown is the scariest thing and I am trying to stay focused on the positive of how well she is doing and how I continue to grow and Elizabeth does too.  She continues to move around and is constantly letting me know she is here.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

DR Appointment

Today we went in for our 35 week doctors visit.  The visit went well.  We were able to see that she is measuring pretty good with head at 36 weeks, (I'm not sure lb wise what she is measuring though).  She was very active still and she is in position with head down.  My blood pressure was 122/80 and weight was 129. My fluid levels were at 29 anything above 25 is considered Polyhydramnios. The doctor said he would induce at 38 weeks and would not really recommend me going past 39.   We will continue to go in weekly at this point to see how she is doing and how I am feeling and make our decision as it gets closer.  Three weeks away from 38 weeks sound so soon and is a little scary but at the same time I am feeling big and uncomfortable because I am bigger than I have been before.  They did a non-stress test too to check how she does.  She was very reactive and I was having some contractions (which I always have nothing serious) which was all so good to hear.  At this point I am very hopeful that she will make it here, I just don't know for how long.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Blessing Gown

My mom and I went to look for a blessing gown for Elizabeth.  We went to a store that had been mentioned to me and we got there and the store had completely closed it doors.  So we looked up another store that we knew had blessing gowns and headed off to the mall where it was supposed to be located and we arrived to find that it had been closed.  So went went into Dillard's because we were trying to find something after all the time spent that day looking.  Dillard's ended up having two different styles.  They were cute but I didn't fall in love with either, so I said that we could remember that they have them and come back if I decided on one of them.  After shopping that day I went home and pulled out the blessing gown that had been used for Addison.  So the gown was originally used for my mother at her blessing and then again for my oldest sister, then me, and then my oldest sister used it for her only daughter, and then I used it with Addi.  So it has been used for three generations (double in the last two generations) in our family.  I had thought about possibly using it forever ago but dismissed it thinking that we would just buy Elizabeth her own, because I wasn't sure if we would want that dress to use in case someone has another girl and wants the tradition to keep going.  Today as I thought about it though my feelings were different.  I thought how Elizabeth would be buried with her grandma's love, aunt's love, mother's love, cousin's love, and her sister's love surrounding her.  It just brought peace to me and I felt that maybe the day shopping was a bust because I was supposed to use this dress that would mean more than anything that could be bought.  So I talked to my husband and asked him to think about what he wanted.  He said he was fine but I still wanted him to take a day or so to think about it.  About two days later my mom calls (if you know my mom and me you know how similar we are) and asks about the blessing gown we were blessed in and goes into her explanation of what she had thought about, which turns out to be exactly my thoughts too.  So Jake was on board and my mom was.  I called my sister to make sure she was really ok and of course she said she was.  So we have now found Elizabeth's blessing gown!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Blessings

Lately I have been having some "poor me" days.  I am nearing the end and like most pregnant women I am uncomfortable.  Elizabeth has been sitting funny that is causing some major discomfort and pain on my right side mostly the ribs and back.  I can't find a comfortable position that makes it hurt less.  I have tried baths and a heating pad.  I even went and got a pregnancy massage.  Although the massage was nice it did not relieve the pain at all.  So when I have these feelings of being so done I start feeling guilty because I know that being done means a different kind of pain.  It has been an emotional couple of weeks dealing with this guilt and just knowing that the pregnancy is going to come to end soon and it is scary.  Although we know the stats and Elizabeth's diagnosis it just is now making itself even more real as we near closer.  I have been reading some wonderful, inspiring articles and trying to find inspiration in music also.  When we first found out about everything I listened to song by Mercy River called Blessings.  This song made me feel peace and I haven't listened to it recently but today I needed it.  As I listened to the music it just made be feel at peace.  It helps because I know that Elizabeth is a blessing and this trial was meant for me and I have my Heavenly Father guiding me through, along with a wonderful support system here on earth.  Here is a link to the song. Blessings! An article that hit home was A Time for Faith not Fear.  As I read this article I realized we have been living more in fear of what tomorrow might bring and when is the shoe going to drop but I realized we needed to have more faith that Heavenly Father knows what is going on and I need to trust him and try to live less in fear and more in faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to maybe not the way I want right now.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Dr. Appointment

Today we had another doctor appointment.  I did make time to post about the last doctor appointment, but it went well besides the fact that Elizabeth is back to head up but who knows how often she flips between positions.  Today's went well... Her heart rate is great and steady.  I am measuring right where I should be.  My blood pressure was 102/72 and my weight was 127.  This past weekend the heat has been getting to me and I can't be in it for long without feeling sick or bloated.  My feet swelled so much the other night... I had to keep them elevated the best I could not easy.  I am already uncomfortable let alone trying to elevate my feet and find a comfy position.
I have been having a little bit of a rough day after the doctors.  I love hearing how well she is doing but at the same time it is hard because it makes me think maybe this is all a big mistake and she really is healthy but I know differently it just is hard at times.  I have been feeling huge and uncomfortable and my back has been killing me.  So I am still a normal pregnant women who is counting the days she can lay on her tummy again and bend over but it is so bittersweet to feel this way.  I love feeling her but I can't do what I want either... like clean my house.. so some days I feel so emotional and onry that it is hard. Of course I take it out on the ones I love even though most the time they didn't do anything to deserve my wrath I may give them so to my frustrations.