Friday, August 30, 2013

Thank You!

I have been amazed at how many people have shown their compassion to our family.  They continue to pray for us and continue to think of us.  We have many gifts, dinners, and just phone calls from our friends and family.  We are so grateful for the love of all those around us.  We feel so blessed, others have told us that people might say dumb things or do dumb things but we really haven't experienced that during this whole process.  The other day I was finally got myself out of the house and was running errands, when I was at a store and the lady helping me asked some questions and it came out that we had lost our baby and this generous lady bought my item for me.  She didn't know me but wanted to do something and I was so amazed and overcome with gratitude for the kindness that still does exist in this world.  I wish we could hear more about those amazing acts of kindness then what we do hear. So I want to say Thank You to all of those who have called, stopped by, or even just been thinking and praying for us.  It has helped me get through the rough days.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Certificates

Today we received Elizabeth's death certificate... I knew they were coming because they had called before sending them.  So when the mailman stopped by my house to sign for them I knew what it was.  Even though I knew what they were I still didn't want to open the envelope or acknowledge what was inside.  Why?  Well, although it is very apparent in my life that my sweet baby isn't with me I still feel that I wanted to get her birth certificate before receiving her death certificate.  I guess they are quicker at getting death certificates then birth certificates.  I wanted her life acknowledged before her death was.

As the days have gone on and we have started to get back to a routine it has been hard.  Although, I know that I need to get back to "real" life and the world does keep moving forward. Part of me doesn't want to and another part wants to create "normalcy" for my other children.  It has been a hard balance between these two things.  I went out to run errands for the first time the other day and it was tough to be out and doing "normal" things.  I got home and just wanted to crawl back into my safe zone where I don't have to be "normal".

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Grief

    As a social worker and in my work I do a lot of grief counseling.  So I know the five stages of grief and  I work clients on getting through grief.  With that said it is much easier to be giving the counsel then it is to be the one going through the grief process.  Our grief started when we first found out at 20 weeks that our Sweet Elizabeth had a cleft lip and proceeded from there with the diagnosis of Trisomy 18.  We began the process of grieving the loss of our daughter.  We knew the stats and the likely hood of her survival was rare.  I also think we knew Heavenly Father's plan.  This is what got us through the whole process.  From the time we found out about the possibility of Trisomy 18 we Knew that our daughter was not meant to be with us long. So from the time we found out we decided to embrace His Plan for her and to make the best of the situation.  We enjoyed the pregnancy and made sure we included her in everything we did.  I know it sounds weird because of course she was with us due to the fact I was pregnant and she was inside me but we made sure to get pictures of my belly as we did things.  It wasn't easy to know that I didn't get much time with my daughter.  It was the hardest thing ever to go through and the hardest part was not knowing when or if she would pass away.  As Jake and I would talk throughout the pregnancy we always felt that we would get to meet her alive but not for very long.  So as we were handed our baby girl for the first time and told there was nothing they could do we felt it was wrong.  We were supposed to meet her alive, and for those five minutes it felt like an eternity and we were so confused at why we felt like we were supposed to meet her alive.  So when she started breathing we knew even more that Elizabeth had an incredible will power and that our Heavenly Father did have a plan.

    Those days in the hospital were so incredible because you could just feel Elizabeth's strong spirit and it was so peaceful and spiritual.  After her passing and we left the hospital and went home that spirit stayed with us.  Our home was filled with peace and the spirit.  Elizabeth's strong spirit got us through those next few days of planning the funeral.  I don't know how I had the strength physically, emotionally, and mentally to do everything we needed to but I did because I had her strength with me and wanted the best for her. Elizabeth deserved to have a beautiful service and we wanted to share her beautiful spirit with our loved ones who helped us get through this.  After the service we were exhausted more than we have ever been.  As we began the next week it was hard.  We didn't want to lose her spirit but knew she was needed else where and we were being comforted by the Holy Ghost. Now I feel like her coming into this world was a dream, this has been the hardest part.

    The days in the hospital were so wonderful and the funeral was beautiful but we then got home and needed to start back to our routine.  Michael was still in school and Addison still wanted to play.  So we started back to our routine so our other children could have some consistency again.  I started to heal more each day physically and emotionally.  As Jake and I have talked about our loss we feel guilty even mourning the loss of our daughter because she was so strong and she came and blessed us with her presence for three days before she returned home. We knew this was His plan the whole time so for us the grief has been different.  We aren't laying in bed all day mourning her, even though at times we want to be we know for us that is not what we are supposed to be doing.  We are supposed to begin healing and moving forward with the knowledge that we have.  This is why she feels like a dream to us our life is somewhat back to what is was previously except this giant hole in our hearts for her and for the moments we didn't get to share with her, but sadly the feel of her is already starting to fade for us.

    I am just so grateful for His plan that we get to be with her forever , I will one day get the opportunity to raise her.  This knowledge helps but doesn't always erase the pain we do feel.  As I rock Addison to sleep at night (yes, I still rock my 3yr old) I end up just crying because I never got to bring my sweet Elizabeth home to rock.  I find that nights are the hardest for me because my arms ache more than normal for her and her warmth and cuddles. I mourn the loss of what I didn't get to share with her. We have had so many family and friends continual prayers and thoughts through this that it has helped us make it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Post Pregnancy

It has been a little over a week since we had our sweet Elizabeth, and that week went so fast.  I can't believe how fast it went and that we made it through everything that week.  As we have been home recovering from everything there are some things that I have noticed that is hard for me. One as I look in the mirror it is so hard to see that I don't have a tummy anymore and Elizabeth isn't inside kicking me.  I have to take a double take because it seems like forever since I didn't have a tummy. Most the time you get home from the hospital and are waiting for your stomach to go down but I wasn't and when it did I was sad.  I am back down to the weight I was before my first appointment and I normally would be glad but I am not. I miss my baby and even though I was big and uncomfortable she was with me. I am glad that I do have the c-section scar that will always remind me of Elizabeth, I know that seems weird, but I am so proud to have carried her and been chosen as her mother that I am proud of that scar and hope I will be forever.  Here is a song that I used at her funeral service that is how I feel about carrying my sweet Elizabeth.  Thanks to another mother who lost her child who posted this song because it touched my heart and has been a healing song for me.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sandy Larkin Mortuary

I want to say a big Thank You to Larkin Mortuary, they made a very difficult day a bit easier.  We had a wonderful funeral director who took very good care of us from the moment we went in to start planning for the funeral til we left after the graveside.  He was so thoughtful towards our needs.  He made sure I was well taken care of with food and water since he knew I had just had a baby. He made sure we got everything we wanted for our little Elizabeth.  Larkin has everything right there so you aren't running all over the place trying to make decisions for the funeral.  I was very impressed with the way they made sure we had everything, even if that meant them doing research to find what we were looking for.  They got a special bears for each one of us and two for Elizabeth that our other children could place next to her.  These bears took some time finding and making sure they matched and they were what we were looking for.  I was glad our funeral director found them and made sure we didn't have to do it ourselves.  I would recommend them for a funeral because they take care of you, granted I don't have experience with other funeral homes and hope I don't have to have any anytime soon.

LDS Hospital Nurses

I do not have much experience with nurses caring for myself besides during child birth.  With my first I remember one nurse who was there with me during labor and she was great and came to see me during my stay.  Other than that nurse, no other nurse stood out to be during my stay with both Michael and Addison.  They were still great and took care of me but I did not feel a connection to them.  With Elizabeth it was very different.  The nurses were all so wonderful and compassionate.  I have heard of some nurses not being compassionate and not treating you well during your stay but I did not get one of those nurses.  From the time we were checked into the hospital we had a great nurse.  She came in and said she had read through our birth plan and explained everything to us.  She still double checked on what we wanted even though she had our birth plan.  She was very compassionate and took very good care of me.  She monitored us (Elizabeth and myself) very closely and would come talk to us about everything she was seeing (good and bad).  It was her dedication to us that saved my baby girl and possibly myself.  When Elizabeth was born the nurses were great too.  Although, they told us there was nothing they could do to save her, they were respecting what we had asked them to do for her.  As she improved they were right there to take special care or her.  As we moved into the post partum they gave us a room that was secluded from others so we weren't surrounded by others. The nurses once again were great with my care and Elizabeth's.  They continued to respect us and our wishes and did as we asked.  One night the nurse for myself and Elizabeth could tell that we were extremely tired because Jake and myself had not slept because we didn't want to miss any time with our sweet daughter.  These two nurses offered to stay in our room and hold her and rock her.  They said they would wake us if anything changed.  We agreed and it was nice to get a little rest knowing she was being taken care of by the best. When they offered I didn't feel it was because they had to, I felt that they really wanted to care for my sweet daughter. I felt so amazed at their compassion and they also grieved with us when things were starting to turn.  Their were so many amazing nurses who cared for us during our three day stay. Words do not say enough for how grateful I am for those nurses. I found this saying on facebook after one of them posted it and I feel it is true more now than I ever have before.  I hope to never take for granted those who care for us in our time of need.
About NURSES: Somebody asked: "You're a nurse? That's cool, I wanted to do that when I was a kid. How much do you make?" The nurse replied: "HOW MUCH DO I MAKE?" ... I can make holding your hand seem like the most important thing in the world when you're scared. ... I can make your child breathe when they stop. ... I can help your father survive a heart attack. ... I can make myself get up at 5 a.m. to make sure your mother has the medicine she needs to live. ... I work all day to save the lives of strangers. ... I make my family wait for dinner until I know your family member is taken care of. ... I make myself skip lunch so that I can make sure that everything I did for your wife today is charted. ... I make myself work weekends and holidays because people don't just get sick Monday thru Friday. ... Today, I might save your life. ... How much do I make? All I know is, I make a difference. Re-post not only if you are a nurse or you love a nurse, but most importantly, re-post this if you respect their work.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Slideshow






Here is the Slideshow that we played during Elizabeth's viewing. My amazing husband put this together and stayed up until 1am (not that we could sleep anyways) doing it before the funeral.  I LOVE the video and the music we put to it.  There are two songs that just ended up working perfectly and he didn't even mean for it to work that way.  In the one song it says something about hair and we have a picture of Elizabeth's and the other is talking about a white dress and Elizabeth's is in her blessing gown. So it was meant to be.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Funeral

Today was a beautiful day that turned out so good for my sweet Elizabeth.  We started the day off by leaving at 7:45am to head to the funeral home.  We were heading down early to have time to dress our sweet baby in her beautiful dressing gown.  As we arrived both sets of our parents were also there to help put up all of Elizabeth's items and I had invited both grandma's to be part of dressing their beautiful granddaughter.  I had Jake go in first to see her because I was nervous that she wouldn't look like my beautiful daughter and I wanted to be prepared for how she looked.  So my Rock Jake went in and took a look, he came out and said she looked great and asked if I was ready to go in.

As I entered I was engulfed in the beautiful sweet spirit that resided in the room with my baby daughter's tiny body.  As I approached and took a look, I was so relieved to see that she still looked like my baby.  She was beautiful and I couldn't help but smile.  I was so happy to be with my baby again that I couldn't help but smile.  I knew it was going to be a hard and long day but with her close I could make it through. I mentioned at this time that I forgot her little booties that went with the gown.  The amazing funeral director helping us said he would run out and get some.  At the time I didn't even think about the fact that it was 8:30 am on a Saturday and no stores were open but he found one and brought back some beautiful white booties.
I then dressed my Elizabeth in her beautiful white blessing gown that would wrap love around her. I already talked about the blessing gown we chose.  Jake's mom bought a beautiful small white blanket that we wrapped her in also and then we had her bracelet that would link us together. I have a necklace very similar to her bracelet so that I can always remember her (thanks to my mom for picking out such beautiful pieces of jewelry). We reverently dressed her and spent the next hour just being with her and in our own way preparing to say our last goodbyes.  It was so special to have her grandparents there too.  As we neared the time of the viewing we lifted her off the table and held her for a moment and gave her kisses and laid her reverently into the casket.  She looked so beautiful in her white gown and her hair bow.  We had two little white bears bought for Michael and Addison to give to Elizabeth, then we had four bigger white bears for each one of us that looked like hers.  The bears were for us to hold and sleep with when we needed to feel close to Elizabeth and to always remember her and the bears she had next to her. The kids were so cute and kept asking when they got to give the bears to Elizabeth.

As many of our dear friends and family came to say their respects and to show their support for us we managed to stand tall and strong.  I don't know to this day how I was able to stand there but I know that it wasn't my strength I was using at that time.  I was very overwhelmed by the incredible support we received at the viewing.  We had the viewing from 9:30am-11am.  At 11am we cleared the room and only had are immediate family stay.  We had Elizabeth's great grandpa Rudd give the family prayer, it was so beautiful and spoke to our hearts.  After the prayer we let the family say their last goodbye and then We had the kids give the bears to Elizabeth.  Then Jake and myself tucked her in and held her and cried and whispered to her our goodbyes. They then closed the casket.  I felt my heart break and a big piece was closed into that casket with her.  Jake's dad and my dad carried her tiny casket into the room where the funeral services were being held.  It was so hard to watch her tiny casket being carried and to walk into the room filled with loved ones and to try to keep some composure as we entered behind her.
The room was also filled with a reverent sweet spirit as we began her beautiful service.  We had a beautiful service and every single person who was involved in the program did such an amazing job and kept the spirit strong.

After the beautiful funeral services we then had to exit and head to the graveside. Where we had a small little program.  We then let our family write a message and tie it to a balloon and we then released the balloons all at once.  It was beautiful to see the balloons ride high in the sky.  The weather was perfect it was a little windy to help the balloons. Our families slowly left and Jake and I spent a few minutes alone with Elizabeth again.  Neither of us wanted to leave her but knew she needed to move forward just like we needed to too. So we finally left to meet our family for a thanksgiving meal.  My dad said we were having a thanksgiving style meal because we were so thankful to have Elizabeth in our family, I thought it was beautiful to end with such a thought to a hard but incredible day.

After leaving the cemetery the weather began to change from sunny to rainy and I felt the the heavens were weeping with us for the grief we feel here without her but also because they received their angel back and were so happy to have her again.  As we came home to say we were exhausted was an understatement of how we felt and how tired we were.  I just have to say that I feel that emotional stress is more tiring than any physical exercise you could do. I wanted to just crawl in bed and not get out for a long time.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Funeral Service Information

We have decided to hold a funeral open to all who wish to come.  We realize that Elizabeth has touched many hearts with her story and her short time here on Earth and we don't want to deny anyone to say their goodbyes.  Funeral services will be held Saturday August 17, 2013 at 11:00 AM at the Larkin Sunset Gardens Mortuary, 1950 East 10600 South, Sandy, UT. A viewing will be held from 9:30-10:50 AM prior to services at the mortuary. In lieu of flowers donations can be made to the Elizabeth Ann Memorial Fund at any Wells Fargo branch.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Day 4

As we spent the early morning hours holding our baby we were struggling to stay awake but trying so hard to because we knew our time was ending soon with our Elizabeth.  We had a few scares through the night.  The first was at like 2am she seemed to stop breathing for awhile but then she would start again.  I finally dozed off for a little bit when Jake woke me at 4am saying that he thought she was going.  So I held her close but started feeling really sick.  I was trying so hard to ignore the sickness brewing but couldn't so I passed her off and got up just in time to make it to the garbage can before I got sick.  I was so upset because these were the little bit with my little girl and I wasn't supposed to be sick. After some medication I was able to go back to my angel.  The medication made me really sleepy on top of already being sleepy.  So I tried so hard to stay awake and alert as we monitored her breathing and heartbeat, but was too tired, so Jake took her while I slept for a little while.  Her breathing was really shallow and weak, and and at 5am Jake woke me up and we knew it was coming. She had stopped breathing several times and each time it took longer for her to breathe again.  As I held her I had to keep my fingers on her chest to feel her heartbeat that was weak.  At 5:45 she finally gave in and let herself go.  I had some many emotions come over me.  I felt peace that she was finally not struggling anymore and I also was so sad because she wasn't with me anymore.  I just held her close and I finally let myself sleep with her in my arms.  I was so proud of my strong little girl she held on for 10 hours without oxygen just so we could spend more time with her loving her and holding her.  She was so strong and amazing in her short three days that I am amazed to be her mother and to be privileged to carry her and have met her.  I know that her spirit was too strong to be here that she was needed elsewhere.  I feel that she has touched more hearts here on earth then most do in their lifetime.  She was just so amazing.  I wish my words could describe those three days and the feeling in the room with her but words don't do justice to how we felt.

After few hours of sleep with my little angel we got up and started to get ready. While I slept Jake started to pack up all our things. As he packed up our stuff as well as all of Elizabeth's stuff he said that it truly became a reality that she wasn't coming home with us even though all her belongings were. Those were some of the hardest times for him.  We talked with the nurses about calling the mortuary to come get her sweet body.  As we prepared we so reverently undressed her and dressed her in just a hospital shirt and blanket.  It was the most incredibly spiritual experience to dress her.  After she was dressed I sat and rocked her.  At noon the mortuary showed up and asked if we were ready for them.  I was never going to be ready for them to take my sweet angel but knew I needed to let her go.  As I sat there rocking her I gave her one last kiss goodbye and let Jake give her one more kiss.  I then handed her to the mortuary guy, they handed me a single red rose.  As they left the room I wailed (the scriptures talk about wailing and never understood until that moment).  I felt so empty and it was the most difficult thing to let them take my sweet angel and It racked by body and I let it out.  Jake held me and was so strong for me even though I know he was hurting as much as I was.  He pulled me together and asked if I wanted to stay for a little bit, but I wanted to just leave.  I wanted to go cry in my own bed without everyone watching me.  The nurse came in to walk me out and that wasn't the loneliest walks out of the hospital.  It was hard to walk through the maternity ward and not be holding a car seat.  I didn't want to see anyone but unfortunately it was the middle of the day and the hospital was buzzing.  I couldn't even see clearly because I was so grief stricken.

As I entered my home I felt peace still and it made it a little easier.  I just have to say how amazing my husband is because he held it together for us.  He packed and unpacked the car and helped me into the house and made sure I was comfortable even though he was aching as much as me.  I don't know how I would get through this without him by my side to cry on each others shoulders and be strong when the other can't.  We have grown closer through this experience and I love him more than anything.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Elizabeth Day 3

At about 2 am I had this overwhelming feeling that Elizabeth's time here on earth was ending soon, and it was the hardest thing to feel.  I started to cry and the nurse came in and checked her vitals and said that she was struggling to breath more. Jake woke up from his short nap and I filled him in on what I was feeling even though I think he knew too.  After the nurse left we decided to play dress up with our princess.  Jake got all her stuffed animals and placed them by her. We also got her outfits that had been given to her that were WAY too big and placed them next to her also.  We then did a outfit change and the nurses brought us the cutest little crotchet booties that actually weren't huge on her.

After dress up we just held her close and were filled with peace but also sorrow.  Morning (or morning for "normal" people) came and we called our parents and siblings and let them know that we felt that Elizabeth's time was coming and if they wanted to come up and say a goodbye they could.  My grandma so Elizabeth's great grandma was the first visitor of the morning and came and was able to meet her and hold her.  My parents showed up with the kids shortly later and we were able to get a four generation picture with Elizabeth.  It was a very sorrow filled day but also we were so blessed to have the knowledge of Eternity with her.  Most the pictures taken this day our tear filled but I love them because it shows the emotion we had with her.

Elizabeth was weaker today and we could tell that it was a struggle for her to breath.  It broke my heart to even know that she was in pain even though I don't know for sure if she was, but the little whimpers and breathes seemed to be taking a lot out of her.  You could feel her strong desire to be with her family and just feel of our love.  Our parents and our kids were able to come and say there goodbyes to sweet Elizabeth.  Addison was able to sing some of her made up songs to Elizabeth.  We have these on video tape and it is my favorite thing ever.  It is hard to watch the videos sometimes because her older siblings loved her so much and it breaks my heart that we didn't get to bring Elizabeth home for them to help care for her, but I know it wasn't meant to be.

We did some photo shoots again with Elizabeth and dressed her in the blessing gown to take some of her looking like an angel.  After the photo shoot all our visitors left at about 2pm and we had the rest the day just with her.  We just held her and were so in the moment of enjoying every little sound and movement she made.  I snuggled her close and I had to remember to let her daddy have some time snuggling too, it was hard to share her though.

At 4pm Elizabeth started having some more apnea attacks (this is where she would stop breathing for some time) and it was the scariest thing.  So as Jake and I talked we decided at 5pm to request some morphine for our sweet daughter and we were going to take the oxygen away after the morphine.  This was the hardest decision to make but to watch her stop breathing and struggle to regain her breath each time was even harder.  They also started to hear her heart murmur today and her heart beat was irregular, so everything was leading us to this decision.  While we were waiting for the morphine we gave Elizabeth her first haircut.  The nurses were so sweet and even let us keep the scissors we used to cut her hair.  After we cut her hair we started to take the tape of her little face and clean it up a little bit.  Jake also gave her a blessing.  It was very sweet and hard. The morphine came at 7pm.  I was holding Elizabeth when the nurse brought it in and asked me if I was ready.  With tears streaming down my face I said I would never be ready. The sweet nurse also had tears streaming down her face said she wasn't either, but we both nodded and she went ahead and gave Elizabeth the morphine. Morphine was used to help let Elizabeth relax.  We removed her feeding tube after the morphine was administered. It took effect in about 15 minutes and at about 7:20pm we removed the oxygen.

Elizabeth was the most peaceful we had seen her.  She never really cried the whole time but she was constantly making little noises and you could hear her breathing but after the oxygen was removed she just was peaceful.  We didn't want to move her much because she looked so peaceful.  So Jake and I both curled up around her on the bed and just laid with her. Her strong spirit was so apparent during this time. She was our rock.
 Our tiny angel the one on the left is 0-3 mo the one on the right is newborn and both are huge.


 Four generations
My mom's granddaughters all together


 Her cute booties up above. 
Our angel.  Isn't she so cute!
 First Haircut



Monday, August 12, 2013

Elizabeth Day 2

The days seemed to run together for me because we didn't sleep much and just took naps, but here is what Day 2 was for us.  Elizabeth did well through the night and we enjoyed watching her sleep, eat, and just loved being with her.  Jake changed her first wet diaper sometime early morning and turned to me and said, "is it weird that I want to keep it" I said no but of course we didn't. Every little thing she did even changing her diapers was such a privilege for us that we wanted to hold onto those things for as long as possible.  When he changed her though it was like we were going back to being first time parents.  Jake forgot to have everything ready so in the midst of changing her she peed all over her outfit and the blanket.  So we changed her and got her squared away in new clothes and blanket.  I was hoping to have my mom take them and wash them and get them back to us to put on her again so we could have her smell just not her urine, but we forgot so we don't have those particular clothes with her smell on them.  This may seem weird but anything she touched and wore became so special to us. I wanted to be able to have her smell after she left us.

After the changing diaper we started to get ourselves up for the day.  I still wasn't getting up and down much at this point.  Jake's dad came to the hospital first that day to see sweet Elizabeth and then he decided to go get Jake's mom so she could come visit her too.  The pediatrician came in and did some vital checks.  She said that Elizabeth's heart rate was good and strong, and she couldn't hear any murmur at this time.  Her breathing was a little fast but overall she was doing good.  Her temp was getting better and she seemed to be starting to regulate it better herself.  We were thrilled with the news and started to think maybe she would be coming home with us after all.  Jake's parents were back and spent some time with her.  Then my mom came up so she could see Elizabeth but we also asked her to bring Addison so she could see her too.  Addison loved seeing Elizabeth and spent a lot of time looking at her and tickling her.  We laid Elizabeth in the warming bed and Addison stepped on a stool and just tickled her it was so cute.  Addison and Kaylee (my niece) started to get restless and so they left.  My good friend and her husband stopped by during the day too so they could meet our sweet baby.  They ended up coming separately but said they loved feeling her sweet spirit and how adorable she was.

Jake's parents had picked Michael up from school and brought him up so he could see his sister also.  He was able to be with her for a little while before my sister came up to get Michael.  When my sister got there my body decided to get this horrible gas bubble (you can get these after surgery I guess) in my shoulders.  It was very painful and nothing they could do to help the pain besides just letting it try to pass.  So my sister's family wasn't able to spend much time with Elizabeth but her kids were still able to come in and see her and meet their newest cousin.  I loved watching their reactions to how tiny and cute she was.  They did awesome.  After my gas bubble passed I ended up taking a nap for a little bit and Jake got some alone time with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth was handling the feeding every three hours well and seemed to have wet diapers.  She still hadn't had a bowel movement but nurses told us that was quite common.  Her breathing did seem to become more struggled so we upped her oxygen from a 1 to 1 1/2.  This seemed to help a little bit.  That evening my dad came up by himself and spent time with Elizabeth, and walking me around the halls.

All I can say is Elizabeth had both her grandpa's wrapped around her finger and she wasn't even a day old yet.  I loved seeing both the grandpa's interact with her.  I don't think my dad held a baby in the hospital as long as he held Elizabeth.  You could just feel her amazing strength and spirit that you just wanted to hold her and be in that room.

Later that night at 11pm we had a nurse come in and do some molds of Elizabeth's feet and a mold of my hand holding Elizabeth's.  They turned out so amazing, during the process I was a bit skeptical of whether they would work but they did and I will treasure those forever.  Elizabeth had the most perfect feet ever.  They were long and perfect.  Her hands were so sweet to, the left hand was clubbed and the right was just clenched.  She would still grasp our fingers and hold on.  After we were done with the molds we turned the lights down and tried to rest a little.
 Elizabeth getting her feeding
 Cuddles with mom and dad
 Her sweet feet getting ready for molds.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Elizabeth Day 1

    After our miracle Elizabeth started breathing we headed back to the Labor and Delivery room to meet her siblings and grandparents.  As we entered everyone was so excited to see us.  The doctor had been in and had briefly filled them in on what had happened in the OR, but he might have down played it just a little so they weren't so nervous, the C-Section had taken about 20 minutes longer than what the doctor had told our families so they were a bit anxious to see us.  I was still pretty drugged and not quite feeling my best so some of the first little bit is a little hazy, but here is what I remember.  We let Michael and Addison come meet Elizabeth first.  They were so intrigued by her.  Addison surprised me because I didn't think she would be that interested in her but I was totally wrong.  She could not get enough of her little sister.  She wanted to hold her and be right by her the whole time she was there.  We had let the kids pick out a gift the day before for Elizabeth and they gave it to her and were excited, until Addison remembered she wanted to get her this big rattle thing that we never bought so she was really upset because she really wanted Elizabeth to have that.  After the kids met her we gathered the grandparents in the room and had Elizabeth blessed.  It was an amazing blessing, we didn't know how much time we would get so we wanted to make sure she got one right away.  She was blessed in her birthday suit with some blankets wrapped around her, Beautiful. We then let the grandparents take their turn holding our beautiful baby girl.  Of course Addison was right there with them making sure her little sister was doing okay. Then we let our siblings who were able to be there come in and see her too.

   After everyone met our angel we had the photographers from NILMD (Now I lay me down to sleep) come in and take some pictures for us.  They spent a little over an hour taking pictures of us but Elizabeth started to not look so good so Jake asked the photographers to leave so we could spend time with her.  The nurses were also trying to get her vitals and do some of there stuff.  So she was taken and weighed 4 lbs 12.3 oz and then measured at 18 inches long.  She was still having a hard time keeping her own temp regulated so she was under the heating bed to help but she also had been taken off her oxygen during this time and started to turn a little purple.  So we all got nervous but as soon as we put the oxygen back on she started to look pink again.  It all is a bit hazy and I look back now and think what a miracle she was and then we spent the first few hours having everyone come see her so it was a lot for our little girl. She was so strong and such a fighter and we were so grateful to have her that we were scared we had over done it but of course she pulled through. After the photographers left our siblings all left too.  They wheeled Elizabeth and me together over to Post Partum at about 7pm. Our parents came with us to make sure we got situated and they said their goodbyes reluctantly but knew we all needed some rest after the long day. It wasn't until 8pm that we were finally alone with our sweet  Elizabeth.  It had seemed like such a whirlwind day that we were so grateful to have some quiet time.  OF course the nurses needed to keep monitoring me due to the surgery and all.  So they came in and did what they needed to every couple hours and were so respectful to us and our time with Elizabeth.

   At about 9pm Elizabeth still hadn't eaten anything.  I had tried to nurse but she wouldn't really suck so we tried a special bottle but again she really wouldn't suck. So we then did a syringe filled with formula for her.  She swallowed the food but was not happy afterwards.  She was really fussy and it was the most we had heard out of her.  At 10pm the CNA came in to bathe our little girl for the first time.  So we lifted my bed as high as it would go and put Elizabeth in the warming bed they brought in for her and lined it with water proof pads.  Jake got in position to video the whole thing and they started the bath.  She was still fussy from the whole eating thing and then was being unwrapped and give a bath so she was crying but it was so wonderful to hear her little cry even though I just wanted to hold her and make her stop, I also just loved hearing her because she was such a miracle it made it real for me to hear her.  After her body was cleaned they wrapped a warm towel around her and started scrubbing her head.  She immediately stopped crying and was so peaceful looking while they cleaned her head and hair.  She loved that part of the bath and it was so cute to watch.  She had tons of black hair at the back of her scalp and it was wavy, it was so cute. After her bath we put her in her clothes and just held her for a little bit.  Special care nursery came in and said that the next best option for her to receive food would be putting in a feeding tube.  So we said we were fine with her having a feeding tube.  They came in and tried to put it down her nose but it wasn't working so they just put it down her mouth.  She took 6ml of formula and was content after that.  They then came in every three hours to feed her 6ml of formula.  I also was pumping to give her whatever I could get. The nurses would just add my colstrum to the syringe and fill the rest with formula and feed her through her tube.

    So after all this it was late as you can expect and we didn't want to sleep because we wanted to soak in every minute we got with our Angel.  So we tried taking turns sleeping.  We would nap for about an hour if that while the other would take their turn just holding and being with Elizabeth.  Jake stayed up for about an hour, one time,  just sitting on the window ledge while she slept in the warming bed.  She was so content in there that he didn't want to move her but also didn't want to leave her side.  At 1am the nurses came in for me to try to get up walking for the first time.  I did wonderful at walking to the bathroom, they were impressed.  I feel like my recovery was very much on the back burner and I was being sustained by the many prayers and thoughts but also by my Heavenly Father who was allowing me to be strong for my sweet time with Elizabeth.












Elizabeth's Birth Story

I was checked into the hospital at 7:45 am on Sunday August 11, 2013.  We were put into a room in labor and delivery.  I changed into the hospital gown and the nurse (Toni) began doing my vitals and getting me hooked up to everything.  We had chosen to have Elizabeth be monitored because we felt that it would best for us this way.  8:15 Toni started my IV and at 8:30 my doctor arrived and broke my water.  Breaking of the water didn't hurt it was just like an exam where they check me.  My doctor (Ward) told me I was dilated to a 2 1/2 and 50%effaced.  So we knew it might take a little bit to get my body going.  At 8:50 we started the pitosin at a 4.  Elizabeth was doing well during all of this and her heart rate as the nurse said was "textbook where it was supposed to be".  My water breaking was a slow leak at first but at every contraction I was having I would feel more leak out.  At 8:55 one contraction was so strong that a lot leaked out.  I told my nurse that I think I needed something else to help absorb the water. She looked as was surprised to see that I soaked the entire bed and myself.  So we got me up and to the bathroom so she could change all the bedding and myself.  So there was a ton of fluid which we knew there would be but this was a lot.  I looked at my stomach in the bathroom after this and it was already half the size it was when we checked in.  It was so crazy to see.  The contractions started coming even more rapidly and where starting to hurt a little more so I decided that if I was already there why not get the epidural started to.  So we called the anesthesiologist to get it started.  He came in at 10:00.  He was a very talkative and informative doctor who was explaining everything. We really liked him and thought he was the most awake anesthesiologist we had had. At 10:45 the pediatrician on call came in to talk to us about some options we have after Elizabeth is born.  Neither myself or Jake really liked some of what she was asking and telling us.  She asked about what would like to  do after she was born like hep B shot and vitamin K and labs to see for infections and about antibiotics if she did. Also about what measures we wanted to assist with breathing if she was struggling.  We told her several times we just would need to see how she was when she was born but that we did not think we would do the shots or labs.  We wanted to do canal oxygen if needed. It was a lot of questions that we didn't feel was the time we could answer without seeing her and knowing what she might need. She was pushy and didn't seem to be hearing what we were saying so we didn't care that much for her then.  At 11:00 I received my catheter so I wouldn't pee myself.  At 11:55 the nurse came in and said that Elizabeth was having what they called deceleration of the heart during the contractions.  She didn't like what she was seeing on the monitor so she said Elizabeth did better without the pitocin so we turned it off for awhile. She checked me and I was still at a 2 1/2 and not much had change. She explained that the baby deceleration are normally a sign of distress during the contractions so she wanted to see what I would do without it.  At 12:20 nurse came in and said that she had spoken to Dr.  Ward and asking if we wanted to consider a c-section if Elizabeth continued to have the deceleration. Also told us we could turn of the monitors for her and only turn them on once in awhile.  She also said that another doctor on call had looked at our reading on the monitor and had said that it was pretty normal for a trisomy baby to have deceleration and that he would not offer a c-section. Nurse decided to turn back on the pitocin to a 1 to see how Elizabeth reacted.  Elizabeth's heart rate had returned to being pretty normal when I was taken off pitocin.  At 12:30 nurse came back in to check me and I was still about the same as previous but she also noticed that there was meconium, which means Elizabeth had a bowel movement during some of the time she was distressed. This can be dangerous but there are a lot of studies on it.  At 1:10pm Nurse came in because Elizabeth had a bad deceleration. So she called for another nurse to bring in an ultrasound machine.  Jake and myself didn't really know what was going on at the time but the nurse was trying to not seem nervous but we could tell something was wrong when she called for an ultrasound machine.  She was trying to find with the heartbeat monitor Elizabeth's heartbeat and was having trouble. At this same time my heartbeat was going up of course because I was scared.  So she couldn't distinguish mine from Elizabeth's.  She finally found Elizabeth's heart beat to what seemed like an eternity to me.  She still used the ultrasound machine to make sure and we could see her heart still beating.  That five minutes or whatever they were, were the worst in my life.  She asked if we had decided about the c-section.  We said yes we would be willing to do a c-section if needed especially after what we just experienced. We also said at the time she asked that we wanted Elizabeth monitored the whole time. The nurse left to call Dr. Ward to let him know our decision.  The pitocin was turned off again. I started to feel really sick and light headed all of a sudden.  So Jake called the nurse and my blood pressure had dropped way low and so they called in the anesthesiologist to give me something to bring up my blood pressure.  After he gave it to me I stared to feel better again.  It happened one more time right before doctor Ward showed up and they gave me the medicine again.  My parents showed up at 1:55 to be there with us.  I had called my mom at noon before we really knew what was going on and she had decided to come up. I was glad at this time she decided because everything started turn for the worse afterwards.  Jake had called his family and let them know we had decided to do the c-section so they could get there too.  2pm Dr ward shows up to start prepping me for the c-section.  My dad asked him about if the c-section was the best solution at this time.  He said Yes he felt it was.  They talked about c-sections now days and how you could still have a vaginal after one.  We asked the doctor to wait just a minute so we could see our kids because they were almost there.  The kids arrived with Jake's parents and Michael asked "where is Elizabeth?" He was looking around and was very anxious to meet his sister.  We told him mommy was going to go have her and that he could wait in the room with his grandparents.  The doctor told everyone that the procedure is about twenty minutes.  So I gave everyone a hug and told them I loved the,.  Jake suited up in his clothes and off we went.  The c-section was very interesting experience.  We got in there and everyone was very proficient and ready to begin. I was moved to the table, where my leg fell off and I looked at Jake because there was no way I could lift it back on. They noticed and lifted it back on and then tied it down so it wouldn't fall off again.  I started to feel them tug and the anesthesiologist talked me through everything that was going on.  It was so nice to have him talk me through what was happening.  I could feel them touching me but no pain.  At 2:25 our sweet angel Elizabeth was born.  They rushed her to the side of me, they didn't even show us her.  I was so lost on what was going on at this point because they said that the doctor would hold her up so I could see but he didn't.  They only had her for a few seconds before I heard my doctor say to get her to me so I could hold her.  They wrapped her and brought her to me so I could hold her.  They told us she was gone and there was nothing they could do.  I was so lost in the drugs and the news that I din't know what was going on.  I just looked at Jake with desperation and said there is nothing they can do.  As I was holding my sweet Elizabeth.  Jake asked the nurses and again the response was no.  So I had Jake take her so I could see her better and he held her next to my head so I could see how beautiful she was.  She took a gasp and I again was desperate for them to do something but they weren't.  She gasped a few more times and the anesthesiologist noticed and told the NICU nurses that she was breathing about 6-7 per minute.  He then took my oxygen and did what they called blow by blow to her.  She started to breath a little bit more. The anesthesiologist again told the NICU nurses this and said that they should do canula breathing for her.  I was so amazed at her and started to feel hope at that time that there was something we could do for my baby.  They took her and started the oxygen by canal.  The anesthesiologist once again talked me through everything because I didn't know what was happening.  I was about done getting sewn up and they placed back on me and we were ready to leave the OR room. Sometime during all this they had also mentioned that I had a placental abruption.  This is why they didn't hold her up for me because my doctor needed to get back to me to start get the bleeding in my uterus cleaned out and under control.  As they were wheeling me back to my room they said if we had waited five more minutes Elizabeth for sure would not have made it and I would be in a lot of danger myself with the placental abruption.  I know that all the prayers were being answered during this time.  We had angels watching over us this day and I can't thank all of my loved ones enough for their thoughts and prayers I believe they were answered in so many ways.  It was a miracle birth and even our doctor said it was a miracle not just a lucky save.

 1st time meeting mom. Not yet breathing.

Being cuddled by mom. Still not breathing

Being held by mom and dad together. Getting ready
to take her first breath 

 Receiving mom's oxygen to help with her breathing

Breathing more regularly with mom and dad.

Folding her arms waiting patiently to be given back to mom 

1st diaper and getting all cleaned up

getting wrapped up to give back to mommy


Being given back to mom after being cleaned up


 Arriving in labor room to meet brother and sister and
grandparents

Thoughts

It is 4:30am and I can't sleep because today is the day I get to see my sweet Elizabeth. It has been a long four months of waiting for this day since finding out. The whole nine months has been long and lots of anxiety and hope. We have enjoyed including Elizabeth in all that we have done. Michael has kissed, hugged, and bonded with her so much over these last several months. I normally don't get hugs and kisses from him because he just gives my belly (Elizabeth) them. I love it though!  As I layer in bed tonight I just held Elizabeth feeling her move has been such an honor. I am nervous for what is to come but know that my Heavenly Father has this plan for Elizabeth. I received a special blessing tonight from my sweet husband and father in law that brought me comfort to know this. It has been a difficult but rewarding journey and I hope and pray the rest will be to and I can rejoice in you not wallow.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

38 weeks

Today we had another dr visit. Weight 132 dilated to a 2 (this is good for me). Elizabeth looked so cute on the screen for her ultrasound. She is doing well. I still have lots of fluid so let's hope my water doesn't break or else that could be a mess. We discussed with the doctor induction dates. After much anxiety/fear/prayer we have decided to induce on Sunday August 11, 2013. I pray that everything goes quickly and we can meet this beautiful angel who I have been able to carry for 9 months. It has been a hard week because of the decisions we were facing and because it is coming to the end of the pregnancy.  We don't know what happens after she is delivered and that is scary to not know if I will get time with her and if I do how much.  I know that whatever happens Heavenly Father has a plan for her.  It has been hard to keep faith about this and nor get discouraged but I have felt peace and know that He loves me and His plan is what I need to accept.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Temple FHE

Today we decided to take the kids to the temple for FHE night.  We printed some coloring pages for us all to do and then we talked about the importance of the temple.  Since we have had some big decisions to make we thought it would be nice to be close to the temple and also to remind our children about our eternal family.  I love the feeling of even just being close to the temple.  I am so grateful for my covenants that I make in the temple and that I KNOW that I get to have Elizabeth forever even if I only get her for a short time on this earth and this Knowledge gets me through the hard days.  I want my kids to know that she will always be part of our family too.  It was a great night.  We ended the night with some free rootbeet floats from A&W, you can't beat free.  

Monday, August 5, 2013

Hospital plan

We prepared a hospital plan with the help of our angel watch representative.  It was really hard to answer some of the questions because I didn't know how I was going to feel in the moment.  Angel Watch and my Doctor kept telling us that this was our plan and they would do whatever we wanted but it was nice to have a plan.  So we filled out the plan.    
*Amber does  desire to be hooked up to a heart rate monitor during labor. Would also like a strip of heart tones printed for them to take home.
*  Please perform standard suctioning, rubbing, and vigorous drying to aid in Elizabeth's respiratory and cardiac efforts. Positive pressure, bag and mask  ventilation may be used immediately after delivery for up to one minute to initiate breathing only, not to maintain breathing. No artificial airway afterward.
*  If warranted, Elizabeth will be supplied extra oxygen only if it aids in her comfort.
We request that Elizabeth be quickly handed to Amber after her birth whether she is alive or stillborn.
*  We want Elizabeth to be with us, not placed in a warmer, etc. Instead we would like to use warm blankets and/or skin-to-skin contact against parent’s chest.
Please delay all procedures (weigh, measure, footprints) until both parents have held her and if possible these procedures should be done while the parents are present or holding her. 
*  No Vit K and ointments administered.
*  No extra-ordinary means should be taken to prolong her life.
*  Our first preference is breast milk– Amber would like to pump. We are open to suggestions of other feeding methods which may be easier and more effective for our daughter.
*  Please help us make as many memories as possible by giving us any mementos including bassinet card, hats, baby blanket, hospital ID bracelet, hand and We would also like several locks of her hair, if she has any.