Monday, September 30, 2013

Going back to Work

I went back to work today for the first time since having Elizabeth.  I would say it is like ripping of a band-aid on a hairy spot, it is going to hurt but the longer you wait the more it might hurt.  I was ready to get back to somewhat of a schedule and to get my mind focused on other things but at the same time I wasn't.  I wanted to still stay home and pretend I didn't need to start moving forward again.  I know I have said it before but I will say it again sometimes it just SUCKS and I want to wear a sign that says I just lost my baby go easy on me please, and this is why I look the way I do. I guess I can't do that so instead you just suck it up and "put your big girl pants on" and face life again. I am glad that I work at such an amazing place and get to work with amazing people who are supportive and caring.  It helps when facing the daunting world.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

NILMD PHOTOS

Here are the wonderful photos we received from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMD).  They turned out great and I am grateful for the volunteers who scarifice their time and talents to come to the hospital for us families experiencing a loss of our baby.  They were so great to work with and I will cherish these photos.



 They captured all of her beauty upclose.  I will cherish these little moments in my heart forever.  I love that they got a picture of each one of us (the four in my family) holding her hand. We also each got pictures of us kissing Elizabeth, and her grandma dressing her in grandma's blessing gown.  So priceless.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

1 Month

It has been one month since I got to hold my sweet baby in my arms and my arms have ached for her since then. In some ways the month has gone by fast and I can't believe that it was only a month ago that I held Elizabeth and in other ways it has felt like our lives are in slow motion.  I have gained a lot of perspective on myself and my relationships going through this experience.  You know when you say your child will never do that and curse yourself for saying that because your child does exactly what you vowed they would never do. Well, grief is similar I think that because you can always look at someone else's situation and say that you would be different or you would grieve differently but sometimes we just don't have that control we just grieve and there is no rhyme or reason to how we grieve.

I have found over the month that I can put on the brave face during the day and go about a somewhat "normal" routine. Although, during that "normal" routine I don't feel "normal" at all, I feel empty most the time.  I try to keep myself busy so that I don't wallow in my sorrow but at the end of the day it catches up and I normally end up crying myself to sleep if I am lucky to get sleep.  (Elizabeth might not be waking up to eat every couple hours but she still keeps me up every night and I still have the no sleep look just not the baby to match the "why"). So I write this post more about we can't judge how we might grieve or how we should grieve.  We just need to take it one day at a time and grieve whatever way works for us and not worry about what others may think of are grief.  There is a great book I came across in my line of work called "Tear Soup" it is a great book that goes through grief and I feel that it explains the grief process perfectly.

Since we knew the 1 month mark was going to be hard we had decided to do something to honor and remember Elizabeth.  So we decided to buy some chocolates and write thank you notes to the nursing staff at LDS Hospital. We then decided to take them up the hospital as a family.  We obviously didn't think through this plan very well, as soon as we got inside the hospital my husband and I looked at each other and I said what are we doing to ourselves.  My stomach had dropped and I felt sick... the hospital had difficult memories attached going back to finding out about Elizabeth's trisomy 18 diagnosis up to leaving the hospital without her in tow.  So we both felt ill and wondered why we thought we could do this but we both still trudged forward since we were already there and ready. As we delivered our gifts to the different areas it was nice to thank those who took care of Elizabeth during her short time.  We ran into one of the nurses who took care of her when she was first born and was also there during her last moments.  It was emotional for both the nurse and ourselves but her words meant so much.  She said what an honor it was for her to care for Elizabeth.  I am so grateful for those kind words and to know they loved my baby too.  I feel such a connection to these incredible women even though I don't know them.

We also designed Elizabeth's headstone.  We wanted to get it done before winter hit so that it get down before the ground froze.  It was hard to figure out what we wanted but we found what we wanted. We will post more when it is completed.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Queen Elizabeth

I have the most wonderful, thoughtful friends.  They thought of a beautiful gift to give me to show their love and care for me.  They picked out a rose bush but not just any one that is named Queen Elizabeth so that I can remember my Elizabeth, when the roses (which are pink) bloom I can be reminded of Elizabeth.  I love IT!  So we know we don't want to be where we are currently living for much longer so we decided to plant it at my parent's house until we move and can transplant it to our new house.  My dad was kind enough to plant it while we stood by and watched! It worked out perfect to plant it today also, because today is 4 weeks since I had my sweet Elizabeth and what a great tribute to her. I plan to take some of the roses that bloom to her grave also. I really can't believe that it has already been four weeks since I was able to hold my sweet baby for the first time.  I am so grateful for my amazing friends and to all the love and support we have received by everyone around us.
 The kids helping dig the hole.

 My dad finishing digging and giving the rose bush some water.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Poem and Songs

Sometimes as you go through life you find little things that help get you through the rough times.  As I have been faced with the knowledge that I would only have a short time with my daughter I have found solace in written words and music.  I have shared some wonderful talks given and also some music I have loved.  As we prepared for the funeral my family found some beautiful poems and words that helped give me peace too. This is not all that was found but here is a small portion.
Here is a beautiful poem that my sister Brandy found and read at Elizabeth's graveside.
“Tiny Angel”
For a brief and fleeting moment,
An angel touched the ground:
With tiny wings and halo
And sweet, soft angel sounds.

Blessing the lives of others
In beauty and in grace:
Those who saw the angel
Knew god had kissed her tiny face.

The angel came for reasons
We may not understand:
A journey brief, with gifts so great,
And guided by God’s hand.

Here is the song from Gary Allan that my sister Hilary read for Elizabeth's funeral:
                                                       "Life Ain't Always Beautiful"
Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride