Pumpkin Painting

We ended up painting some pumpkins and taking them to our sweet Elizabeth so she would know that we are always thinking of her and want her to enjoy the holidays with us. The kids loved painting the pumpkins for Elizabeth and loved taking them up to her grave.  I am so glad that they love to include her in our thoughts and traditions.  The holidays are hard to not get a little down and thinking about what it would be like to have our baby with us as we participate in the fun holiday events but I know she is where she is supposed to be and doing more important things.

2 Months

It has been two months since our sweet Elizabeth was born.  As the past two months have passed I have had a variety of emotions and thoughts.  It seems that at times it seems like a dream that I was pregnant and experienced Elizabeth's story, but other times it seems so vivid.  I have been asked by loved ones how it has been over the two months and I have to say the first weeks I felt peace and so much comfort that I was more numb to the grief, but as time has gone on I have felt more depression and anger with my grief.  I still feel comfort at times but it isn't as constant as it was, and although this has been hard I understand that Life moves forward and I must too.  Friends and Family although they don't forget they have began to move forward too and therefore Elizabeth is not as talked about.  This has made it hard because she is constantly on my mind and I want to not forget her and therefore love to talk about her.  So as for my grief I believe it has been more difficult as time goes on not easier.  I find myself getting very irritable especially when it has been a hard day.  My grief comes out in anger and irritability more than tears and sadness.  Don't get me wrong I am extremely sad over losing my sweet daughter but I display it more with irritability.  I don't think there is any good way to prepare yourself for the pain and heartache that is associated with losing a child. I haven't experience much death in my life besides my grandfathers who lived full lives and although they were hard it was easier to move forward, losing my daughter it has been a constant battle to move forward without hurting each step of the way.
For Elizabeth's 2 month, Jake took a half day and we dropped the other kids off at my mom's and spent the evening together.  We went to her grave, in hopes to see if her headstone was done, but it isn't yet.  We were pleasantly surprised to see that my sister had been there before us and had left a beautiful plant and balloon.  I felt so much gratitude for her thoughtfulness in that moment it made me know that others still love and think of my sweet baby.  After we left we had a nice meal at home with no kids to distract from the conversation.  We just talked about how hard it has been and how the journey has been for each of us. We of course talked about our amazing experience with Elizabeth and her birth and short life.  It was nice to be able to talk and take time to reflect together.

Cedar Chest

Jake's dad makes these adorable little rocking chairs for each of his grandkids when they are little.  He asked us if we wanted one for Elizabeth and we said that we needed to think about it.  I told Jake I didn't really want an empty rocking chair for her but that maybe we could come up with something else special for her.  After receiving blankets and gifts for Elizabeth, we decided that a little wood box to hold her items in would be great.  So we told his dad and being the amazing grandpa he is, he took it a step bigger.  He has a brother, John, who does some amazing wood work and so John sent us some pictures of wood chest that we could do and he got started immediately after it was discussed. All of the uncles and aunts on Jake's dad side pitched in money for this amazing gift.  John did the work and delivered it to us.

It is so beautiful, our house is a little small right now so we didn't have the perfect place but found a spot for it that I think works perfect for now.  After we received it though it sat for a couple days empty because I couldn't bring myself to take her things off my closet shelves and move them to the chest.  I mentioned to Jake that we should move them over together but we never got to it.  So after a few days I found some down time where the kids were playing quietly and I walked into my closet and decided it was time to move her things.  I held each item and cried as I laid them out and decided how I wanted them moved.  It was very emotional but catharsis to just hold them and remember her wrapped in them.

I miss my Elizabeth each day and wish I had more time... the song that comes to mind is "One more Day" by Diamond Rio. I love that I have her blankets to wrap up in even if I am a little big for them but it was helps when I need a good cry.  After arranging everything into the new place in the chest, I placed the willow tree figures I got on top of it too.  Jake came home that day and I told him what I did.  He took a look and asked if I opened the bags (we have her clothes and blankets from the hospital in ziploc bags) and smelled her.  I said of course he said he wanted to but didn't want to take her smell from me.  (I love that my husband always puts me first and loves me so much).  I told him he could because her smell probably won't last long so we might as well enjoy it while it is there.

I am so grateful once again for such a loving support system who has taken very good care of us with your thoughts and prayers.  I am grateful for the amazing thoughtful gifts that have been given. I can't list them all but some have touched my heart very deeply the thought that was put into the gifts.  THANK YOU TO ALL!

 Love this gift with this saying it helps on the hard days!