Monday, January 26, 2015

Harder each day..

Time passes so fast and yet so slow at times.  It has been almost 18 months since we lost our Elizabeth and sometimes it will seem like yesterday and other times it feels forever away.  This past year has been so hard and emotional.  We welcomed a new baby into our family and it was so sweet and amazing but yet so terrifying to open our hearts again.  It has been bitter sweet because we love to hold a baby we have been aching to hold for way too long but he will never fill the hole in our heart that Elizabeth took with her.  He has helped us heal and move forward but their will always be pain and sorrow.  We have learned to live with that ache and at times it is just a dull ache and other it is overpowering.  This past Christmas was extremely hard for me.  As time passes others move forward and in away forget about her but I don't she is constantly on my mind and in my heart.  So to celebrate Christmas with family is hard when you feel someone missing.  I was grateful to celebrate Jesus and his birth because of Jesus and his great sacrifice I can live with my sweet Elizabeth again, But I didn't want the commercial part of Christmas this year because of my grief.

I read a friend's facebook post that read how grateful she was that her family finally felt complete and she was grateful for her children and that now they were done because she felt complete.  This was such an innocent post that hit me so hard and made me ponder that feeling of complete... because I was missing that feeling.  Not because we want another kid but because on this Earth I will never feel complete because she was taken from me and she doesn't have to experience this Earth.  It has been hard to deal with because I know that in some ways I will always want to have more children to try to fill that void even though I know it won't ever fill that void.  The Void is just so hard to live with at times and the feeling of always missing someone is hard.

We continue to have Elizabeth be a part of our family traditions and try to make a special effort in going to her grave to be part of the holidays.  The other kids continue to talk about her and always make her a part of the family tree when asked.  I hope we always keep her in are family traditions and talk about her often but I am sure that like others time will past and so will the kids at remembering her in all they do.  This doesn't make me sad ... I know that this is how it goes it just makes it hard.  I want to always keep her picture up and maybe I will but maybe it will become to hard to have it up.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Our Story

To begin how we came to creating this blog.  We started our family quickly after getting married by a great blessing of a son and soon after had a daughter.  We then decided it was time to expand again we got pregnant quickly again but at 13 weeks we had a miscarriage. We grieved our loss and enjoyed the summer and afterwards decided it was time to try again.  We tried for three months (I know to most this doesn't seem long but to us this was stressful and long because it had never taken long previous).  We finally were pregnant.  We had lots of Dr. appointments in the beginning to make sure everything was ok.  We had an ultrasound every time so at 16 weeks we were able to find out that we were having a little girl. When the doctor told us it was a girl we were happy but more happy that everything was okay.  She looked great and her siblings were very excited to know that they were going to be having a sister.  Michael told us that he was going to protect her from not only others but from her sister (who can be rough at times).  They both loved talking about their little sister and what they were going to do with her.  I loved hearing them talk so lovingly about her and how much they wanted her. Read about Elizabeth's journey in the links provided below in order of how it has happened thus far.
June 29, 2013
July 3, 2013 Doctors
July 12, 2013
July 13, 2013 blessing gown

Grief Article

I really like this article that is titled "6 Things to Never Say to a Bereaved Parent".  I could not have said it better than they did.  I think that you can take offense

Monday, August 11, 2014

1st Birthday Celebration

This past year has been very difficult for our family as we continue to mourn the loss of our sweet Elizabeth.  Each Holiday and Family get together is difficult because we felt the loss of her presence. At times it has gone by slow and at times it has gone by fast.  I can't believe it is already been a year since I held her in my arms.  I remember it so clearly and my time spent with her but it also feels like forever ago, I know that doesn't make sense but it is how I feel.  I have  loved that her siblings continue to remember her each day and pray for her to be safe in Heaven.  Michael never forgets to add her in a family picture or add her when counting members of our family.  This has been such a blessing for me to keep her a part of our family without it being difficult topic.

To celebrate her one year we decided to keep it small and simple.  We invited our parents to come, my parents were the only ones able to make it.  We had a picnic by her grave and then we wrote notes and sent of balloons (12 one for each month without her).  Then we sang happy birthday and had some cupcakes.  I asked that others wear polka dots that day because that is how we remember her because all her clothes she wore had polka dots on them.  I made polka dot cupcakes and bought polka dot napkins and everything.  Jake finished making her video from the time she was here with us.  It was beautiful and hard.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Elizabeth's 6 Month Celebration

Elizabeth would have turned 6 months today so we wanted to celebrate.  Since we don't get to put a cute onsie on her and take her picture.  Valentines is only a couple days away and her brother and sister have been making Valentine for the last couple weeks, I decided to let them make her a special card and we tied it to balloons and sent it up to her.  The kids had a blast making the cards for her. Michael has made a ton for her and I love watching how he includes her in everything he does.  If he draws our family she is always in the picture and he never hesitates when someone asks how many is in his family, he always says 5.  I love that I wish I didn't hesitate. We also took some fun hearts to put around her grave and a balloon that could stay there.  It was a hard day but because I was so busy getting everything ready that I didn't have time to stop too much but the next day was mostly spent being lazy and in bed because it hit pretty hard.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


We visited Elizabeth's grave on her 4 month birthday to leave a little Christmas cheer at her grave.  It has been the hardest four months of my life and each Holiday has been so hard because I miss her so much and I feel her loss because she was supposed to be with me celebrating.  I know Heavenly Father had a different plan for her and she is celebrating in Heaven but I am selfish and want to be with her and it has been hard to accept that she isn't with me.  Moving forward has been hard because life goes on and people forget but your heart still doesn't forget and you want others to ask still about her and you want to let others know  it hurts still but it just doesn't work that way.
My sweet Grandma made the big wreath for her grave we put our smaller wreath inside the big wreath.  I love that the cemetery keeps her grave pretty clean and visible.  We just cleaned it up a little bit more.

Sunday, November 10, 2013


We were down by Elizabeth's grave so we decided to run by her grave and see how the pumpkins were doing.  To our surprise her headstone was down when we got there.  It was so nice to see the headstone down.  The kids were excited so that they could put her pumpkins on it and she could have a place for us to place gifts to her on.  Michael starting talking about her birthday and what we could do, he asked if we could bring balloons by again like we did at the funeral.  I said we would. I love that they want to keep her memory alive and talk so sweetly about her.
It was good to see the headstone but it is the last thing we needed to do for her, so it was hard because it felt like the final piece.  I continue to mourn her and the times I didn't get with her, but I also continue to learn how to cope with my lose.  I love her and will always have a piece of my heart missing until we are together again.