Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Elizabeth's 6 Month Celebration

Elizabeth would have turned 6 months today so we wanted to celebrate.  Since we don't get to put a cute onsie on her and take her picture.  Valentines is only a couple days away and her brother and sister have been making Valentine for the last couple weeks, I decided to let them make her a special card and we tied it to balloons and sent it up to her.  The kids had a blast making the cards for her. Michael has made a ton for her and I love watching how he includes her in everything he does.  If he draws our family she is always in the picture and he never hesitates when someone asks how many is in his family, he always says 5.  I love that I wish I didn't hesitate. We also took some fun hearts to put around her grave and a balloon that could stay there.  It was a hard day but because I was so busy getting everything ready that I didn't have time to stop too much but the next day was mostly spent being lazy and in bed because it hit pretty hard.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Our Story

To begin how we came to creating this blog.  We started our family quickly after getting married by a great blessing of a son and soon after had a daughter.  We then decided it was time to expand again we got pregnant quickly again but at 13 weeks we had a miscarriage. We grieved our loss and enjoyed the summer and afterwards decided it was time to try again.  We tried for three months (I know to most this doesn't seem long but to us this was stressful and long because it had never taken long previous).  We finally were pregnant.  We had lots of Dr. appointments in the beginning to make sure everything was ok.  We had an ultrasound every time so at 16 weeks we were able to find out that we were having a little girl. When the doctor told us it was a girl we were happy but more happy that everything was okay.  She looked great and her siblings were very excited to know that they were going to be having a sister.  Michael told us that he was going to protect her from not only others but from her sister (who can be rough at times).  They both loved talking about their little sister and what they were going to do with her.  I loved hearing them talk so lovingly about her and how much they wanted her. Read about Elizabeth's journey in the links provided below in order of how it has happened thus far.

Sunday, November 10, 2013


We were down by Elizabeth's grave so we decided to run by her grave and see how the pumpkins were doing.  To our surprise her headstone was down when we got there.  It was so nice to see the headstone down.  The kids were excited so that they could put her pumpkins on it and she could have a place for us to place gifts to her on.  Michael starting talking about her birthday and what we could do, he asked if we could bring balloons by again like we did at the funeral.  I said we would. I love that they want to keep her memory alive and talk so sweetly about her.
It was good to see the headstone but it is the last thing we needed to do for her, so it was hard because it felt like the final piece.  I continue to mourn her and the times I didn't get with her, but I also continue to learn how to cope with my lose.  I love her and will always have a piece of my heart missing until we are together again.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Pumpkin Painting

We ended up painting some pumpkins and taking them to our sweet Elizabeth so she would know that we are always thinking of her and want her to enjoy the holidays with us. The kids loved painting the pumpkins for Elizabeth and loved taking them up to her grave.  I am so glad that they love to include her in our thoughts and traditions.  The holidays are hard to not get a little down and thinking about what it would be like to have our baby with us as we participate in the fun holiday events but I know she is where she is supposed to be and doing more important things.

Friday, October 11, 2013

2 Months

It has been two months since our sweet Elizabeth was born.  As the past two months have passed I have had a variety of emotions and thoughts.  It seems that at times it seems like a dream that I was pregnant and experienced Elizabeth's story, but other times it seems so vivid.  I have been asked by loved ones how it has been over the two months and I have to say the first weeks I felt peace and so much comfort that I was more numb to the grief, but as time has gone on I have felt more depression and anger with my grief.  I still feel comfort at times but it isn't as constant as it was, and although this has been hard I understand that Life moves forward and I must too.  Friends and Family although they don't forget they have began to move forward too and therefore Elizabeth is not as talked about.  This has made it hard because she is constantly on my mind and I want to not forget her and therefore love to talk about her.  So as for my grief I believe it has been more difficult as time goes on not easier.  I find myself getting very irritable especially when it has been a hard day.  My grief comes out in anger and irritability more than tears and sadness.  Don't get me wrong I am extremely sad over losing my sweet daughter but I display it more with irritability.  I don't think there is any good way to prepare yourself for the pain and heartache that is associated with losing a child. I haven't experience much death in my life besides my grandfathers who lived full lives and although they were hard it was easier to move forward, losing my daughter it has been a constant battle to move forward without hurting each step of the way.
For Elizabeth's 2 month, Jake took a half day and we dropped the other kids off at my mom's and spent the evening together.  We went to her grave, in hopes to see if her headstone was done, but it isn't yet.  We were pleasantly surprised to see that my sister had been there before us and had left a beautiful plant and balloon.  I felt so much gratitude for her thoughtfulness in that moment it made me know that others still love and think of my sweet baby.  After we left we had a nice meal at home with no kids to distract from the conversation.  We just talked about how hard it has been and how the journey has been for each of us. We of course talked about our amazing experience with Elizabeth and her birth and short life.  It was nice to be able to talk and take time to reflect together.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Cedar Chest

Jake's dad makes these adorable little rocking chairs for each of his grandkids when they are little.  He asked us if we wanted one for Elizabeth and we said that we needed to think about it.  I told Jake I didn't really want an empty rocking chair for her but that maybe we could come up with something else special for her.  After receiving blankets and gifts for Elizabeth, we decided that a little wood box to hold her items in would be great.  So we told his dad and being the amazing grandpa he is, he took it a step bigger.  He has a brother, John, who does some amazing wood work and so John sent us some pictures of wood chest that we could do and he got started immediately after it was discussed. All of the uncles and aunts on Jake's dad side pitched in money for this amazing gift.  John did the work and delivered it to us.

It is so beautiful, our house is a little small right now so we didn't have the perfect place but found a spot for it that I think works perfect for now.  After we received it though it sat for a couple days empty because I couldn't bring myself to take her things off my closet shelves and move them to the chest.  I mentioned to Jake that we should move them over together but we never got to it.  So after a few days I found some down time where the kids were playing quietly and I walked into my closet and decided it was time to move her things.  I held each item and cried as I laid them out and decided how I wanted them moved.  It was very emotional but catharsis to just hold them and remember her wrapped in them.

I miss my Elizabeth each day and wish I had more time... the song that comes to mind is "One more Day" by Diamond Rio. I love that I have her blankets to wrap up in even if I am a little big for them but it was helps when I need a good cry.  After arranging everything into the new place in the chest, I placed the willow tree figures I got on top of it too.  Jake came home that day and I told him what I did.  He took a look and asked if I opened the bags (we have her clothes and blankets from the hospital in ziploc bags) and smelled her.  I said of course he said he wanted to but didn't want to take her smell from me.  (I love that my husband always puts me first and loves me so much).  I told him he could because her smell probably won't last long so we might as well enjoy it while it is there.

I am so grateful once again for such a loving support system who has taken very good care of us with your thoughts and prayers.  I am grateful for the amazing thoughtful gifts that have been given. I can't list them all but some have touched my heart very deeply the thought that was put into the gifts.  THANK YOU TO ALL!
 Love this gift with this saying it helps on the hard days!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Going back to Work

I went back to work today for the first time since having Elizabeth.  I would say it is like ripping of a band-aid on a hairy spot, it is going to hurt but the longer you wait the more it might hurt.  I was ready to get back to somewhat of a schedule and to get my mind focused on other things but at the same time I wasn't.  I wanted to still stay home and pretend I didn't need to start moving forward again.  I know I have said it before but I will say it again sometimes it just SUCKS and I want to wear a sign that says I just lost my baby go easy on me please, and this is why I look the way I do. I guess I can't do that so instead you just suck it up and "put your big girl pants on" and face life again. I am glad that I work at such an amazing place and get to work with amazing people who are supportive and caring.  It helps when facing the daunting world.