Friday, October 11, 2013

2 Months

It has been two months since our sweet Elizabeth was born.  As the past two months have passed I have had a variety of emotions and thoughts.  It seems that at times it seems like a dream that I was pregnant and experienced Elizabeth's story, but other times it seems so vivid.  I have been asked by loved ones how it has been over the two months and I have to say the first weeks I felt peace and so much comfort that I was more numb to the grief, but as time has gone on I have felt more depression and anger with my grief.  I still feel comfort at times but it isn't as constant as it was, and although this has been hard I understand that Life moves forward and I must too.  Friends and Family although they don't forget they have began to move forward too and therefore Elizabeth is not as talked about.  This has made it hard because she is constantly on my mind and I want to not forget her and therefore love to talk about her.  So as for my grief I believe it has been more difficult as time goes on not easier.  I find myself getting very irritable especially when it has been a hard day.  My grief comes out in anger and irritability more than tears and sadness.  Don't get me wrong I am extremely sad over losing my sweet daughter but I display it more with irritability.  I don't think there is any good way to prepare yourself for the pain and heartache that is associated with losing a child. I haven't experience much death in my life besides my grandfathers who lived full lives and although they were hard it was easier to move forward, losing my daughter it has been a constant battle to move forward without hurting each step of the way.
For Elizabeth's 2 month, Jake took a half day and we dropped the other kids off at my mom's and spent the evening together.  We went to her grave, in hopes to see if her headstone was done, but it isn't yet.  We were pleasantly surprised to see that my sister had been there before us and had left a beautiful plant and balloon.  I felt so much gratitude for her thoughtfulness in that moment it made me know that others still love and think of my sweet baby.  After we left we had a nice meal at home with no kids to distract from the conversation.  We just talked about how hard it has been and how the journey has been for each of us. We of course talked about our amazing experience with Elizabeth and her birth and short life.  It was nice to be able to talk and take time to reflect together.

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