Monday, January 26, 2015

Harder each day..

Time passes so fast and yet so slow at times.  It has been almost 18 months since we lost our Elizabeth and sometimes it will seem like yesterday and other times it feels forever away.  This past year has been so hard and emotional.  We welcomed a new baby into our family and it was so sweet and amazing but yet so terrifying to open our hearts again.  It has been bitter sweet because we love to hold a baby we have been aching to hold for way too long but he will never fill the hole in our heart that Elizabeth took with her.  He has helped us heal and move forward but their will always be pain and sorrow.  We have learned to live with that ache and at times it is just a dull ache and other it is overpowering.  This past Christmas was extremely hard for me.  As time passes others move forward and in away forget about her but I don't she is constantly on my mind and in my heart.  So to celebrate Christmas with family is hard when you feel someone missing.  I was grateful to celebrate Jesus and his birth because of Jesus and his great sacrifice I can live with my sweet Elizabeth again, But I didn't want the commercial part of Christmas this year because of my grief.

I read a friend's facebook post that read how grateful she was that her family finally felt complete and she was grateful for her children and that now they were done because she felt complete.  This was such an innocent post that hit me so hard and made me ponder that feeling of complete... because I was missing that feeling.  Not because we want another kid but because on this Earth I will never feel complete because she was taken from me and she doesn't have to experience this Earth.  It has been hard to deal with because I know that in some ways I will always want to have more children to try to fill that void even though I know it won't ever fill that void.  The Void is just so hard to live with at times and the feeling of always missing someone is hard.

We continue to have Elizabeth be a part of our family traditions and try to make a special effort in going to her grave to be part of the holidays.  The other kids continue to talk about her and always make her a part of the family tree when asked.  I hope we always keep her in are family traditions and talk about her often but I am sure that like others time will past and so will the kids at remembering her in all they do.  This doesn't make me sad ... I know that this is how it goes it just makes it hard.  I want to always keep her picture up and maybe I will but maybe it will become to hard to have it up.

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