Friday, April 26, 2013

Cardiologist echo appointment

The specialist we had saw had requested we see a cardiologist to get a better look at Elizabeth's heart because they couldn't get a good picture because she was to wiggly.  So we had found out the results and part of me really did not want to go to the appointment, I didn't want to hear one more thing.  I wanted to just enjoy the pregnancy without any more bad news.  I now understood why some people dislike doctors.  I know they are doing their job and they were all very nice but I just didn't want to go to one more doctor for one more appointment.  So after the results I was dreading the upcoming visit.  When the day came I told myself that it didn't matter and it was just a doctor's visit and what else could they really tell us, but my body was revolting.  I felt sick and nervous.  Once again I headed out to pick up my husband at work and to head to Primary's Children's Hospital this time for the echo of Elizabeth's heart. (Yes, in the meantime we decided that Elizabeth Ann was her name, we felt that we needed to have one so we could be prepared if she came early.) So as we enter the echo the tech was not very talkative which made the whole thing even more nerve racking.  I wanted to just scream say something anything.. how's the weather?  So the echo is just an ultra sound where they look at the heart more closely.  So the whole time she was doing the echo I wanted to ask if she had audio so I could hear my baby's heart beat.  I don't know if I will get to hold her alive and I just wanted to hear it, but I never did ask.  (I know I need to be more assertive . She then finished and said that the doctor would be in shortly to go over her findings and do a little more herself.  After the tech left we both looked at each other and and we both knew what the other was thinking.  That was the most awful visit yet, talk to the patient specially when you know they have received bad news the last couple weeks.  The Doctor came in and was very nice she talked a little bit more and was quick.  She then completed and said she would let me get dressed and we could go to the consult room.  (Ok now I was really freaking out).  I just wanted them to tell me what they saw it was worse not knowing.  We went to the consult room and the doctor came in shortly and discussed what she saw.  She saw what was known as a  ventricular septal defect.  She explained that this is common and that it was fixable.  She informed us that she would survive in utero with these defect and could even survive outside utero but at some point would need open heart surgery to fix the whole in the heart.  She was very nice and tried to be sensitive to our situation but was trying to say that this was not the most serious thing we are facing with our Elizabeth.  She stated that if she did survive and was strong enough at about three months is when they typically do the surgery.  We asked about if it was based on weight in order to due the surgery because we knew there was a strong possibility that she might not be very big.  She said that weight was a factor but not the only one. I just started crying because all my brain was thinking at this moment was so if my baby lives she is going to be faced with surgery after surgery and she is going to need to be one strong little girl to make it through everything that is facing her.  We knew that she eventually would need surgery on her cleft lip too if she was to live for long, which of course is rare.  I left just feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed.  I now had to make regular appointments with the cardiologist on top of with a specialist and who knows who else.  It was very daunting at that moment and I left feeling discouraged.  I spent the day with my husband and left the kids with my mom.  We just enjoyed one another company and was just trying to take it one day at a time. We discussed just enjoying the pregnancy and trying to be excited still for her.  It is hard to be excited though I love her with all my heart all ready but knowing what I will need to face at delivery makes it hard to maintain excitement.  It is my goal to try to remain excited and to enjoy this little girl for whatever time I get including now.

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