Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Day 4

As we spent the early morning hours holding our baby we were struggling to stay awake but trying so hard to because we knew our time was ending soon with our Elizabeth.  We had a few scares through the night.  The first was at like 2am she seemed to stop breathing for awhile but then she would start again.  I finally dozed off for a little bit when Jake woke me at 4am saying that he thought she was going.  So I held her close but started feeling really sick.  I was trying so hard to ignore the sickness brewing but couldn't so I passed her off and got up just in time to make it to the garbage can before I got sick.  I was so upset because these were the little bit with my little girl and I wasn't supposed to be sick. After some medication I was able to go back to my angel.  The medication made me really sleepy on top of already being sleepy.  So I tried so hard to stay awake and alert as we monitored her breathing and heartbeat, but was too tired, so Jake took her while I slept for a little while.  Her breathing was really shallow and weak, and and at 5am Jake woke me up and we knew it was coming. She had stopped breathing several times and each time it took longer for her to breathe again.  As I held her I had to keep my fingers on her chest to feel her heartbeat that was weak.  At 5:45 she finally gave in and let herself go.  I had some many emotions come over me.  I felt peace that she was finally not struggling anymore and I also was so sad because she wasn't with me anymore.  I just held her close and I finally let myself sleep with her in my arms.  I was so proud of my strong little girl she held on for 10 hours without oxygen just so we could spend more time with her loving her and holding her.  She was so strong and amazing in her short three days that I am amazed to be her mother and to be privileged to carry her and have met her.  I know that her spirit was too strong to be here that she was needed elsewhere.  I feel that she has touched more hearts here on earth then most do in their lifetime.  She was just so amazing.  I wish my words could describe those three days and the feeling in the room with her but words don't do justice to how we felt.

After few hours of sleep with my little angel we got up and started to get ready. While I slept Jake started to pack up all our things. As he packed up our stuff as well as all of Elizabeth's stuff he said that it truly became a reality that she wasn't coming home with us even though all her belongings were. Those were some of the hardest times for him.  We talked with the nurses about calling the mortuary to come get her sweet body.  As we prepared we so reverently undressed her and dressed her in just a hospital shirt and blanket.  It was the most incredibly spiritual experience to dress her.  After she was dressed I sat and rocked her.  At noon the mortuary showed up and asked if we were ready for them.  I was never going to be ready for them to take my sweet angel but knew I needed to let her go.  As I sat there rocking her I gave her one last kiss goodbye and let Jake give her one more kiss.  I then handed her to the mortuary guy, they handed me a single red rose.  As they left the room I wailed (the scriptures talk about wailing and never understood until that moment).  I felt so empty and it was the most difficult thing to let them take my sweet angel and It racked by body and I let it out.  Jake held me and was so strong for me even though I know he was hurting as much as I was.  He pulled me together and asked if I wanted to stay for a little bit, but I wanted to just leave.  I wanted to go cry in my own bed without everyone watching me.  The nurse came in to walk me out and that wasn't the loneliest walks out of the hospital.  It was hard to walk through the maternity ward and not be holding a car seat.  I didn't want to see anyone but unfortunately it was the middle of the day and the hospital was buzzing.  I couldn't even see clearly because I was so grief stricken.

As I entered my home I felt peace still and it made it a little easier.  I just have to say how amazing my husband is because he held it together for us.  He packed and unpacked the car and helped me into the house and made sure I was comfortable even though he was aching as much as me.  I don't know how I would get through this without him by my side to cry on each others shoulders and be strong when the other can't.  We have grown closer through this experience and I love him more than anything.

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